Deflategate!

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The NOAA (National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration) has just confirmed that the release of 2 psi contained in 12 footballs at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro Massachusetts on Sunday, January 18, 2015 was enough to trigger the recent shift in Northeast America’s weather pattern.

Just as the flutter of a butterfly’s wings can be the cause of a class 8 Hurricane, the recent release of 24 psi (2×12) at the stadium created a high pressure system that indisputably disrupted the uncharacteristically pleasant weather the Northeast had enjoyed to that point initiating optimum conditions for a historic blizzard to pounce on New England and the entire Northeast.

Harold Dipshit, meteorologic expert for the NOAA is reported as confirming that the recent storms and low temperatures are definitely a result of the wrongdoings by the New England Patriots Football Team. “It is situations like the indiscriminate greed and egocentric drive of a malicious and ill intent group of cheaters that will complicate and ruin the lives of innocent victims by disrupting environmental weather systems. More evidence that the Patriots should be banned from football forever and coach Bill Belicheck, quarterback, Tom Brady and franchise owner, Bob Kraft should have their balls deflated in a public ceremony.”

“There is no excuse for this whether intentional or not. The implications of this egregious and sinful act will impact lives for years to come. There is no telling how this shift in the weather will affect global warming, droughts and famine for all mankind in the future, never mind the ethical and moral demise that has scarred the region, America, the Earth and planets far beyond our galaxy. This is something of Biblical proportions! This nefarious act is tantamount to the Nazis Blitzkreig of London, the invasion of Pearl Harbr by the Japanese not to mention the recent genocides on the African continent. The universe will never be the same. Shame, shame, shame on the Patriots, their management, the fans and New England itself.”

It was at this point in the interview that Mr. Dipshit became so overexcited that he released flatulence of immense proportions creating ‘God knows what’ kind of ramifications for the planets and their ecosystems. “This is without a doubt antediluvian in scope!” finished Mr. Dipshit.

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